Thursday, May 5, 2011

SAD and stress.

I took St. John's Wort faithfully throughout my usual period of depression.

I stopped three days ago thinking perhaps it was over.  I had been feeling WELL.


Better continue til I finish this bottle.

Today the stress and depression and craziness all welled up inside me on top of exhaustion and I am NOT happy about it.

When I realized what was happening I immediately headed for the medicine cabinet for a daily dosage. 

I admit I'm disappointed.

Not just because it came back with a vengeance, but because I thought I had done something to contribute to the stoppage of the mental mess. 

Yes, I realize that decided to medicate myself is something that I did.  I meant - something about willpower.  About changing my outlook.

I thought I'd done that.

I guess I still feel that way.

I've been making an effort to live in the moment and embrace my life where it is and suck all the marrow out of life.  I've said I'm going to do this several times in the past - but this time I'm really doing it - and now - today...  what does it mean?

I'm going to continue working on my life outlook.

I suppose I'll also continue to take the meds. 

While I wait for this day's dosage to kick in, I suppose I'll blog.  And wait for my toast to finish in the toaster.  And try not to feel like a failure for making pasta for lunch.  And attempt to assuage my three year old who doesn't know what to do with a suddenly stressed out mommy.


Heather said...

Embracing the moment is good in and of itself, but the chemical imbalances that are a part of most things like SAD and depression can't necessarily be controlled by willpower alone. Not that I advocate medicating for everything. You just have to realize that you are doing well, but sometimes you need a little help.

Missy said...

Thanks so much, Heather. You're so right. It's just hard to accept sometimes that we can't do everything through sheer willpower.

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