Friday, March 11, 2011

Snapping out of it: response to this year's SAD.

I re-posted last year's post regarding SAD (Seasonal Affective Disorder) on the RJ Facebook page, but I thought the season warranted an acknowledgment this year as well.  A real post.  Not just a re-hashing of last year's resolution to get out from under the depression rock, but something to give a nod to this year.  THIS season.

This year I'm angry.

I'm angry about these feelings I can't control and about the re-hashing of my past and about the feeling of overwhelmed sadness and helplessness and responsibility for the happiness of people I haven't seen in fifteen years and who probably haven't thought about me for just that long. 

These things are NOT my responsibility.  I cannot control the happiness of anyone else.  The things that I did in the past, the people's hearts I broke or feelings I hurt - those people are most likely over it.  And if not, I've apologized, and there is nothing more I can do for them. 

I'm angry because I just hung up the phone with my husband and burst into tears for NO REASON.  I feel crazy.  And I'm NOT happy about it.

This year I'm not just going to live through it and try not to drown.  This year, I'm going to fight back.

Today I'm going to the store and picking up some St. John's Wort.  I'm taking it every day until June.  I'm going to get some citrus for the hanging basket in the kitchen to eat and squeeze into my water.  I'm going to sign up for a few 5Ks to force me out onto the pavement to run and get fresh air.  This year, SAD can bite me.  I'm done with feeling this way.  I'm finished living in the past for four months out of the year and beating myself up over it.  I'm finished feeling guilty about things over which I have no control, bursting into tears over nothing, pining for a time that ended half my life ago, sleeping too much, holing up in my house.  It's no one's responsibility to fix these things but mine.

This year, I am taking control.

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